I was thinking about Peter Pan. Remember the time he lost his shadow when he was caught by Nana, the dog? How he hunted for it and found it and tried so hard to stick it back on with soap? How thrilled he was when Wendy came to the rescue with her sewing kit?
Imagine that. Imagine waking up one morning and finding that you had no shadow. I find this thought inordinately disconcerting. I’d wonder whether I still existed. I’d wonder whether my body had somehow lost its grip on the 4-dimensional world and no longer belonged here. I’d be very self-conscious and uncertain and wonder what people would think. I’d stay home during the day and avoid the mall. I’d find it tremendously distracting, looking at the ground and at the wall and wherever I’d want my shadow to be. I’d probably stumble a lot and walk into things.
After all, what is a shadow? It’s the proof of your substantiality. It says, “I’m here. I may not have much influence, but I can affect this one small thing.”
My shadow is the place where I keep the light from going.
Jesus described himself as the Light of the world. When we reach the point where we’re ready to start living for him and following him, he says we are walking in the light. No more darkness. No more falling in large holes, or getting entirely lost. All good.
However, I’ve noticed that, even though I’m walking in the light (or maybe because of it) I’m very aware of shadows. Places where I don’t let the light go. Things I hold close, shaded by my hands, that I feel I have a right to keep in secret from God (as if).
I like my shadows. They make me feel like I’m me. Like I’m here. Like I have some small influence on my world. Like I can keep some things for myself.
Income tax time? I think I’ll just crouch behind this boulder for a while. After all, the government doesn’t need any more of my money. They’ll just waste it.
Renting a movie? I’m a grown-up. Nobody has the right to tell me what to watch. I’ll browse in the dark corners.
Deciding whether to fess up or lie? Grab the security blanket and throw it over my head. What about my self-esteem? My reputation?
Reading? Relationships? Websurfing? Pull the shades. I have a right to live my life the way I want to. Besides, doesn’t God want me to be happy?
Little addictions. Little lies. Little shadows. Little places where the light doesn’t go.
Grudges, attitudes, priorities. Dark things that we cling to as if we have a right.
Imagine having no shadows. Being so transparent that the Light of the world passes right through onto everything and everyone around you with no interference.
Imagine giving up your right to be right, to be in control, to be happy, even. Walking in the light without a shadow.
Pretty freaky. What’s even more freaky is that it’s what we are called to.
I get dizzy thinking about it. Where’s my sewing kit?
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